“Most Popular Guy”

Up until the time I graduated from High School,  I had a free ride of sorts.

Althought I had very little success scholastically, I had even less athletically.
I was a total couch potato and suffered from great lethargy.  In the summers,
when all the kids would go to camp or elsewhere, I would stay in the house
next to the air conditioner.  The TV and refrigerator kept me company all summer.
I felt isolated and numb emotionally.  I was the only kid who came back from summer
vacation with paler skin than when school ended!

I had no outstanding physical attributes, nothing that distinguished me from the other students.
I would have been a total loser in school but for one thing–I could play the piano.
And I could play very well.  I started playing at seven, and by eight, I was playing for assembly.
At nine years old I was playing gigs.

I made absolutely no impression on my fellow students until I’d sit down to play.
Then the world changed completely.  I was it!  Mr. “Bad” himself!  The athletes,
who wouldn’t know I existed, suddenly put their arms around me and proclaimed me their friend.
The greasers (motorcycle types) would just as soon beat me up as talk to me, but if I played them
a tune they liked, they became my protectors; (”don’t mess with my brother Kenny–or I’ll kill you!”).

The girls, oh how I wanted them to notice me!  They could be very cruel.
But if I was in the middle of the party cranking something out on the piano, there would always
be one girl who would emerge with that soulful smile and tell me how much they loved my playing.
That was okay with me, as long as I was loved and admired for something!

I was the best player wherever I went.  This masked the despair and self-loathing I felt.
I depended heavily on my playing for a sense of self worth.  It came so easily to me that it was
hard for people to believe that I was malfunctioning.  If I was failing at everything else,
it was okay because people could point to the way I played, as if to say I was all right.
I even felt guilty and loathsome for the free ride.

Does this sound familiar?

Have you ever felt like your self-worth was tied to your playing
or your musicianship?

Feel free to leave your comments here!

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