In previous posts, I wrote about how I became popular in high school,
and where my musical influences came from.
Even though I had very little academic success in high school . . .
and I didn’t have much of an attention span . . .
Everything was under control.
I seemed to get something for nothing in music until the day of reckoning came. I applied and was accepted to the Manhattan School of Music as a classical piano major. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know Beethoven from Brahms, or that I didn’t care to know, I was going to be a concert pianist!
Up to this time it had a been a free ride. Without practicing at all, I was the best player everywhere I went. The messages I received from parents, aunts, uncles, and teachers was “you’re great” or “we’ll see you in Carnegie Hall!”
Because of these messages and the extreme low self-esteem I felt in all other areas, I had to be, in my mind, nothing less than the best. I felt like my life would have truly been a failure if I didn’t play at Carnegie Hall some day.
I was always either very high or very low. If I heard a pianist play better than I, I wanted to die! I would literally feel worthless. I had come to depend so heaviliy on my talent for validation. I couldn’t face not being God’s gift to music.
Manhattan School of Music was a real slap in the face for me. There were students with talent equal to mine, but they could practice long hours. This was devastating.
Instead of being the special one – the musician – I was for the first time in my life, just a nother one, and not a particularly distinguished one at that.
I felt like an imposter; someone who pretended to be involved in what he was doing. Without the distraction of being that special guy, I was nothing. I had no purpose, no direction, and I didn’t even know why I was playing music anymore.
Have you ever felt this way?
Emotional ups and downs with your musical talent?
Are you practicing your own Effortless Mastery now?
Make Sure You Get Kenny’s “Living Effortless Mastery” DVD
Thank you for being here as part of our Effortless Mastery Community.
To Your Effortless Mastery,
Kenny Werner
and
Dr. Andrew Colyer
KennyWernerLive.com
and
ConsciousWorldMedia.com
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Although I was the “best” in my school, I never felt like I had the right stuff, after going to Abersold camps and seeing so many driven and talented players. I was embued with the same lack of confidence that kept my dad from playing piano in public. A friend of mine, who played in Woody Herman’s band asked me if I’d come out when there was an opening, and I declined! Talk about pathetic!